Being busy doesn't mean productive...

Well, week 1 of my 'final' winter quarter is over. Wow. It was a short one, with no classes on Monday due to the holiday, but at times it was long. And yet it is now "gone." But I have learned that I will be so very busy this quarter...and that is after I have been trying to 'say no' and not do everything. So the running list looks something like this...three papers in constructive that make me very eager and excited; three papers and a practical project (which makes me ever more excited) for leadership; six or so books to read for my independent study on theories of Christian education; TAing (teaching assistant) for ministry of ed. in which several times I will be 'flying solo' (and this side may be for a future post - but is strangely scary to me - but a 'good' scary I think) ; assigment day is coming up (Feb. 20) - my parents are flying in (yeah); I am preaching twice in January (once in my old MIC congregation and once here in chapel - which IS scary to me); supervisors from internships are coming into town for a few days in Jan.; the team from New Orleans will be hosting a benefit dinner on Feb. 1 and I have some 'running' around to do that; great hockey game on Feb. 11th (someone's birthday too - so that will be awesome!); my I-Group is leading worship in Jan.; and well all the other 'regulars' of student life and general life as a whole.

Now, granted I have lived through this much and much more in other parts of my life (I think of teaching two undergraduate classes and taking three grad. level courses, while also discerning my call to all of this in the first place - those were some long nights with interesting dreams) but this seems heavy to me right now. And as I have reflected on this there are several emotions running free amidst this. First is chaos, and for those of you who know me, you know I love order and control (not being in control per se, but things being in control.) And I guess as I type here I realize that chaos is not necessarily an emotion - but the angst that accompanies that for me right now is all about the perceived chaos. Second is fear, fear of the unknown that lies ahead of my in the upcoming months. I will learn in Feb. of a 'general' direction for that unknown, and I am fearful - fearful of my ability to 'really' do this, fearful of moving far from family and friends, fearful of well all the newness. The third emotion is almost uncontrolable excitement and eagerness. I can't wait to get out there (how's that for a Lutheran tension - fearful to get out/anxious to get out) and see what God's got in store for me, my future ministry, and the wonderful people God and the church call me to serve and serve with. My call as a pastor has been more fully affirmed in the last year and a half - and that just makes me giddy with eager anticipation and maybe a bit of naivete.

And here's the 'other' thing that I have reflected and observed amidst all of these emotions and fears. And its like a "no-duh" moment for me, but bear with me. God is standing amidst all of this chaos, angst, fear, excitement, and eagerness calling me to love myself in the midst, to go easy on myself, and to live in the wonder (at another time I will post an entry here about wonder in relation to one of my favorite books by Renita Weems and a new favorite that I am in the middle of right now by Barbara Brown Taylor) that is each and every new day. Being so busy and 'distracted' often makes me look away from the wonder, to step out of the wonder that is being a child of God, to live and grow in the light of Christ, to be loved every second of my existence and showered with grace and promise.

So, amidst my busyness I am going to try to be intentional and look, and listen, and feel, and ponder the mystery and wonder that is our loving God and God's presence in our lives. Not a 'New Year's Resolution" per se, but a life now experience. I don't want to keep missing this wonder because I am so caught up in the busyness of life. And I don't want to simply note the emotions and move on, but rather to be in those emotions wholly and so discern God's presence and calling amidst the chaos, angst, fear, excitement, and eagerness.

God is so good. There's not much more that can be said - for God IS good.